Mothers and Life

 

Mother's Day....mixed emotions....that I really don't know the words for, or even know for sure if I want to put into words. .....cause , you know, putting something into words makes it more real somehow...and I realize that I have been trying to not make it real.

It is a funny thing to be a grownup and to know that life has cycles and change and inevitables and that being "grownup" you know that is ...just life....deal with it.

No amount of wallowing in the confusion and funny feelings and allowing the tears and memories etc, etc, will change any of it.

So my personality is -deal with it.

But sometimes I feel like there are realities that I tiptoe softly over like walking on eggshells.

Like aging, death, empty nesting, change,

This is the first Mother's Day of my life without a Mother. This is also the first Mother's day ,of my life as a Mother, without almost half of my children at home for the day to celebrate.

It feels ...kinda.....strange......I really have no words ...and I realize that searching for the words only brings me far too close to that place where I can no longer tiptoe over the feelings .

And somehow I feel like if I get to that place it would take me too long to make my way back.

I kinda feel like I'm hanging suspended over a chasm of time on a thin cable that is flinging me forward to the change on the other side and there is nothing I can do about it

As a grownup with my own full life it doesn't feel like it should feel so much like a house without a foundation to face a Mother's day without my Mom. But....it does......

I'm not an overly sentimental person. I don't get into mushy displays of family affection. I never really gave the whole "Mother " factor that much thought . It was just life. It was a given. Mothers day rolled around and as a kid I always picked out or made some little gift for Mom. As an adult moved away from home, I always called or visited. That was really all it was. I loved Mom. I appreciated her. But...she was just ...there....I really never thought about it, that in the very basic-ness of life she was a foundation.

I want to hold on to my kids. I want to be surrounded by them ....to freeze this time.....somehow it seems like it would fill the surreal, vague, empty space that was ...Mom.

But like I said putting it into words brings tears to my eyes and......today..this moment....this celebration...I choose to focus on what IS, not what Was...That is LIFE...and that really is the only way...the best way...to get through it, until ....

.....one day we part no more...

A Little Child Shall Lead Them

The familiar knock came on the bedroom door. Someone neeeded to talk. The teary  voice of our youngest answered our query.

When he entered and came to our bedside, we knew big things were on his mind. He has always thought deeply and asked so many out -of the-blue questions about life and philosophy.

"I just think I need to be saved'. There it was out.

My husband and I both had the same thoughts , I knew.

This child is ...just a child.

I know there are many differing ideas about when a child is ready and they all tumbled through my head. He was not the first to come at the this age ,nor was this the first time he had come.

The first time was several months ago. We talked and determined that he was worried by the sermon and just wanted assurance that he would go to heaven. We prayed with him, told him to keep listening to God and he went merrily on his way.

Should we do the same tonight?

We talked. He was very knowledgable about the whole process , who God is and who he is without God.

He told us he had been doing a lot of thinking and reading. He mentioned that overhearing a conversation by older siblings about their concern for his behavior had bothered him. He mentioned the "Ten Commandment" plaque on the wall.

But after talking awhile my husband still felt some hesitation. He agreed to prayer and thinking it over.

His prayer was simple and sweet. "God, I want to hear You and know it's You and I want to know how to go all the way with You."

My husband and I talked seriously after he left. After eight other children you would think this decision would be easier to truly know how best to lead them through but somehow as always with child-training they each one throw their particular little curve into it.

We rolled over to sleep  trusting ourselves and our child to the wisdom of the Holy Spirit's direction and voice.

.....A knock at the door...

"You know, I just really think I need to take care of it now."

There was no denying that certainty.

He added, "It was a weird thing when I was waiting in the hall and coming into the room, I kept hearing the word, 'someday', 'someday'......I think it was the devil...."

Ah, yes, even a child can know.

Again his prayer was simple , though longer than before. He started " Thank you....God, I pray to be a good soldier for you......I'm sorry.....I pray that I can go all the way with you and never give up......"

Yes, Lord!!!

The "Home-making" Father

Women are known as the homemakers and I think rightly so, but what about all the "home making" that the dad's do? I thought of that as I was thinking of the normal "mom post' and Father's day.  Home would not be home, Mom would not have a home to make a home ,truly a home, without Dad. I know , of course, there are instances when one spouse has to carry on alone but home in God's plan is Mom and Dad.
I was thinking of the two father's in my life.
 My Pop has always been ...well...just "Pop"! He was never a Dad , he was never a Father. He disliked both of those terms and for some reason neither really suits him. He was and is just "Pop"! For those that know him that explains him!
In fact growing up his own children were not the only ones that called him "Pop". Most of the other young people in the church did , also. I thought perhaps it was because we were a small church and everyone knew each other so well. But as we grew older and had friends visit from out of state and meet him for the first time, soon they all called him Pop too! When several years ago he moved from that church to a new area, everyone again, very quickly just called him ..."Pop"!
He is a one-of-a-kind person! If you ever meet him you'll never forget him.
He worked hard for his family. He worked in the woods most of my growing up years. It was hard , tiring work with hardly ever enough money to stretch far enough, but we made it!
I remember surprises in his lunch pail brought home to show us kids. I remember long winter nights of "Authors", "Aggravation", Probe"and building "Lincoln Log" houses. And stories,...always stories.
He believed in firm discipline and hard work. Many were the times as a child I thought he overdid both! But I'm thankful for the things he taught me.
Today it is just him and Mom left in their home and Pop truly is the homemaker. Mom is bedfast with ALS brought on by Lyme's disease. Pop lovingly cares for her every need! Some one of the family is alwasy there to help but Pop is really the one who does all Mom's care.I thank God for Pop!

I think of my own husband, the Father of our 9 children. Without him our home would not be a home the way it is.
 He is the steadying. He is the anchor.
 He is the one who works tirelessly to provide food and clothing and a roof over our heads. He is the one who fixes the leaky faucets, the screeching vaccuum sweeper, and the door that sticks. He is the one who gets up to check on the bumps in the night.
He is the fun-loving one ; always ready to show the kids something or play with them.
He's a friend to all the kids. He's the hugger and soother for the little ones and the counsellor for the older ones.
He is the one where "the buck stops" . He is the go to man for everyone.
He is the one who leads the family prayer. He is the one who answers their questions about God.
My man, my husband, my children's Dad, is the one behind this "home-maker"! He is the one who holds me up and gets me through the day.
He's the one who encourages me when things are tough and assures me that we'll get through it.
 I grocery shop. I feed him. I wash his clothes .(sometimes he even does that! ) I pick up his dirty socks. I keep the house clean. I listen when he needs to talk and I give input. I "mother" the kids.
 But.....
It's the man of the house. It's him. It's the father here who provides, the food , the house ,the vehicle, the clothes,even the wash machine!
It's the Father who provides what Mom needs, materially, physically , emotionally and spiritually and to be a homemaker.
It's the Father who is the REAL homemaker!!
Thank you, heavenly Father, for a godly man!

This post is linked at Homemakers by Choice
http://www.homemakerbychoice.net/2012/06/friday-homemaking-link-up_14.html

"Special" Date Night :)

Yesterday afternoon when my husband and I returned home from town, our 13 yrld daughter said she and her two younger siblings wanted to make and serve supper for us.

As she worked in the kitchen, her younger siblings whispered down the hall. At the "appointed time" she told us all was ready and we should wait at the top of the stairway to the basement.
Our young waiter , in black pants, white shirt and tie , appeared and with an elaborate gesture motioned us to follow him down the stairs and into the library.

There we found an alcove formed around the library table with tablecloths and curtains. Behind the curtain was a beautifully set table with silver candlesticks and flowers. Goblets of ice water, placecards and a molded chocolate rose were at both settings. We were seated and after assuring us dinner would be served shortly, he disappeared.
Music began to play in the back ground and a pretty waitress in white ruffled cocktail apron appeared. Pointing to two small bowls , she told us to start with our appetizer and she would be back. The appetizer was apple slices and honey peanutbutter.
The kitchen overhead was full of hurried footsteps and quiet voices. Occasionally footsteps came part way down the stairs, paused and hurried back with a whispered observation.
Soon the waitress appeared with our full plates. Dinner was served. It was delicious; perfectly seasoned pork strips with green pepper and onions served over a bed of fluffy mashed potatoes and topped with a fried egg. (I'm sure this was a spinoff of a recipe older brother brought back from Thailand, usually served over rice) :)

Our waiter appeared to refill our glasses and ask if we would be wanting coffee.
We ate in privacy except for a quick "duck-in" from the waiter who smiled and said to me, "The cook wants to know if you're on a diet." (A little late for that. The plate in front of me was heaped! I assured him I was setting aside any dieting for the evening and to tell the cook the meal was delicious.)
Soon the waiter appeared to take our plates , quickly followed by the waitress with coffee.
They reappeared with Chocolate,Vanilla Ice Cream garnished with chopped peanutbutter cups , piled high in sundae glasses.

After awhile the waiter returned to take our plates .Then the cook with the waiter and waitress all came to our table while the waiter as elaborately as possible around his dancing dimple, told us "We hope you enjoyed your meal and do you have any words for the cook." :) After profusely thanking them,they prepared to leave us. The cook whispered behind her hand,to the waitress "curtsey!" She daintily obeyed and they left our alcove.
Silence ...then the waiter reappeared and told us "You can go upstairs whenever you want to". :)
We left them all a tip and exited our romantic restaurant.
Sometimes you know it's all worth it! :)

This post is linked at Raising Mighty Arrows

A Little Child...Big questions

His little voice was teary and very serious. He had some very hard questions for Daddy.

At the first hesitant words, Daddy stopped what he was doing at the desk and took him on his lap. He is almost getting too big. His legs dangle on the ground. He is 9.

"Dad, how do you know if you want to be a Christian for the right reason? " His words kinda tumbled and jumbled from there. His thoughts were difficult for him to form.

Paraphrased something like this, "I don't really intentionally do wrong things. But I do wrong things sometimes. Does that mean I will go to hell? I don't want to go to Hell . I want to go to Heaven. But I don't know if being afraid of going to Hell is a reason to be a christian."

Wise little man.

Mommy had stopped on the stairs at the first words and came back to join the conversation somewhere in the middle there. This was going to be an important conversation.

My husband gently , slowly, explained salvation, discipleship, love and fear ,  motivations and convictions with him. Big concepts, are sometimes hard to put into words clearly enough for such important questions in one so young.

It was one of those moments when you know the gravity of your responsibility of training this little one for life, for God , for eternity.

Big questions; Hard questions; Wise questions. Thank you , Lord for your infinitely, gentle, leading of your little ones.

Questions....questions that a lot of us adults need to ponder long and hard ourselves.

Are we a Christian for the right reasons?

Twenty Years Ago

Twenty years ago,today, morning dawned with a beautiful baby girl for our family! After losing 3 babies in the early stages of pregnancy and two deliveries with complications , the 9mos. prior to that were spent in a lot of prayer. We were blessed with only 7hrs of labor and no complications!
She joined two brothers 4 and 2 who were as delighted with her as we were. At last we had our tiny girl. At 7lbs and 13 oz , she was much smaller than her two brothers.
She was an excellent baby, She slept through the night after 4mos and you could just lay her down anywhere in the middle of anything and she would go to sleep! She crawled late becasue she had a difficult time figuring out how to get her knees up under her. many times we laughed at her little push-ups trying to get herself going. She went quickly from crawling to walking and walked at 10 mos.
She grew to be chubby short little toddler . Mommy had so much fun dressing her!
She quickly became my helper , as 6 more difficult pregnancies and 6 more babies entered the family in the next 10 yrs.
She learned housekeeping at a young age and became a better housekeeper than her mommy.
Throughout the years sometimes our relationship was a bit rocky. She liked cleaning and sewing-- Mom liked baking and cooking. She loved crafts--mom hated crafts. She loved bright , splashy colors-- Mom stuck to more muted tones and patterns. She could sit for hours writing stories and poems-- Mom didn't have the patience and aptitude for either. She was shy and aloof as a child and effervescently, outgoing as a teenager--Mom would have preferred it the other way around.
If Mom would have been wiser, much wiser so many years ago, things would have gone easier.
Then suddenly.... or probably not so suddenly really.... it just seemed that way.. somewhere in her mid-late teens....
We became FRIENDS....good friends! :)
Her chatter turned into long talks with mom. We discussed everything and anything. I sought her advice on decorating the house, arranging the furniture, and dressing styles. She learned to cook and bake. She was amazing at it! She was creative, talented,  and gifted in nearly every aspect of managing a home and a whole lot of delightful "extra- ciricular" activities to accent those skills.
She was/is what a mother wants...a godly, beautiful, talented daughter!
Then suddenly.....or probably not so suddenly really...it just seemed that way...
She was courting....she was married....she was gone.....
She found a young man whom we love. She was a beautiful bride.
But she moved 2500 miles away...
I miss her...we miss her...
Happy Birthday, Vonda LaRose!!!!!!!! Thank You, God for my Daughter!




"How deep the Father's LOVE for me..."

Christmas, end of year ,beginning a new year....it makes me reflective....
I was thinking of the good news, the glad tidings ,what the earth gained but at what cost to heaven.
I ws thinking of my daughter.
I was thinking of the song "How deep the Father's love for me".
I'll start with the story of my daughter. Several years ago one of our young daughters had some extremely bad dental problems. It brought about a trip to the Children's hospital in Denver.
She was a very, very, shy child and it worried me greatly as to how this was all going to affect her. I stressed over and over again to the drs. and nurses that I had to be with her at ALL times. As that was impossible ,of course, for surgery they allowed me to hold her until she went under and assured me I would be called before she woke up. She clung to me as I told her she would take a nap and I would be right beside her when she awoke. Then she went limp in my arms.
We waited what seemed waaaayy too long and then they urgently called me to recovery. As I walked through the door, I heard a child's frantic, ragged ,screams of terror, "mommy, mommy, mommy mommy!".
It is hard to describe my feelings as I knew that voice to be my daughters and I RAN to her side!!! She was sitting up in bed ,wild-eyed (very much awake!) and reaching for me!
The she sobbed, "mommy you weren't here!"
I was angry, very angry at what they had done to her. I hurt; a deep, searing hurt for my daughter and for the fact that she saw me as having lied to her.
The only comfort I could find was holding, squeezing her, and murmuring over and over "mommy's here, mommy's here. you're okay."
"My God,My God why hast thou forsaken me! "
"The Father turns His face away..."
How could a father do that!!!
Do you understand what that meant for the Father?
Do you understand that mankind's joy at the birth of a baby brought such pain to heaven?
I'm reminded again of an old song that impressed when I first heard it as a child, "His birth was but a path to Calvary".
The Father knew that.
The angels sang "Good tidings" and HE sent them to say that because the love the Father felt for the lost children of mankind over- rode what he knew was the cost to Him and His Son.
"How deep the Father's love for us."
How long has it been since you really contemplated the "Glorious Wondrousness" behind the Joy of this time we celebrate as Christmas!?