February Thoughts

The piles of snow are melting, making funky patterns on my deck



and making my mind want to dare to think of Spring. Which, if you live in the Inland Northwest, is a very pointless exercise! But I can always hope! :)

Valentine tulips make me smile.

The circle of life goes on and in February one tends to think about it more. Nature hangs waiting, seemingly dead and still, for the warmth of life in the Spring breezes.

I sit waiting on my first grandchild. I never imagined that I would feel almost as impatient as when it was my own. I will fly East on the 20th,my Mom's 71st birthday...if she were still here....I will leave to see my first grandchild, her 23rd great grandchild.....new life, not replacing the old ,just continuing the cycle of life...carrying on the heritage of what went before.

Today is all sunshine and bright, blue skies.

I received a gorgeous bridal shower invitation today...another happy reminder of the goodness of the cycle of life.....

I now am the (not so) proud owner of new pair of reading glasses. A not so happy reminder of life's cycles.....



I got a funky purple pair. Not because they look good on me. I'm not sure they do...but I have determined that "when I am old , I shall wear purple"! :)

Mom's Menu- Chicken Fried Rice, Corn and Applesauce

The truth About The Weight Issue

Wow!! This really hit home!!

I'm ashamed to admit it....but I think it's time to....

For far too long I have looked in the mirror and compared the woman there to the 18yr old girl I used to be.

Crazy , yes, stupid, duh, but I have . I have moaned and groaned about the fact that I was always determined to never gain weight! I would somehow stay slim in spite of 9 babies, 3 miscarriages, my gene pool and middle age!!!!!

Well, yeh you guessed it I didn't and I have hated myself for it! I have obssessed about the 30lbs I've gained since I was forty. I have dieted incessantly and tried to lose the 50 lbs overall that I have gained since before I had kids. I never, ever ,ever just enjoy a tiramisu. I have one maybe once a year and can't even enjoy the taste because I feel so guilty. I am constantly on a diet..constantly!!!

I never let my candid pic be taken if I know about it. And if someone sneaks one I delete if I can. I try to ignore it when the kids tell me if I died I they wouldn't even have a recent pic of me. I tell myself that's better . Then they would always remember me thin. I look at pics of others who if I am honest with myself they are in fact heavier than I am and I wonder how does she even pose for a pic and....deep inside I envy her.

I try to ignore it when dear hubby tells me he'd rather have me happy , than thin. I try to swallow the words when  I want to remind him that I'm too heavy , when he tells me I'm beautiful. Just this morning, I told him I didn't want to go somewhere because in spite of being in a weight challenge with some friends the last 3 wks I have GAiNED a pound and half and so I don't feel like going to a neighboring church this Sun. cause I don't want people to think he has a fat wife! Yeh ....Pitiful!!!

And he just pulled me close and said, "I just want them to know that I have a happy wife." Wow, It had never really struck me like that before. Yeh, that is what is important to him. He wants people to know that he has made his wife happy. How am  I showing that if I hide out because nothing in the closet fits the way I want it too. How can people see that if I pull away from people and the outgoing personality I used to have???

Then I read this blog!! Yep! I'm very, very thoroughly convicted. It won't be easy but I am determined to accept my self, ALL of me.

So there you have it ...the whole sordid truth...

Read this blog, She says it all wonderfully!!

http://myfriendteresablog.com/so-youre-feeling-too-fat-to-be-photographed/

A "good kid's testimony"

A simple answer in my son's Bible curriculum stopped me short.

".....I guess I don't have much of a testimony. I was only 12.......but I'm glad I didn't waste half of my life procuring a 'good' testimony."

Wow!

Yes, Son, I'm glad too, you didn't!

But the issue he addresses here is a serious one.

How often are our "good- christian- home -raised" kids made to feel like this? How often does the "hell raising sinner's" conversion story get repeated over and over and glorified??

We carefully guard our children's environment. We teach them of Christ before they can talk. We read the Bible to them and then teach them to read it as soon as they can sound out "God". We teach them that we are all lost souls in need of a Saviour . We teach them the story of Adam. We tell them that through disobedience the whole race of mankind has lost a relationship with God and must find it only through the saving power of Christ's blood . We stress there are no Christians by inheritance and God has no grandchildren and clever things like that to try to instill in them that they are lost even though they are being raised in a Christian home.

We tell them never to do "those bad things"!

We rejoice when they give their heart to God and acknowledge to Him that they are lost and doomed for punishment without Him. We rejoice and baptize them and we praise God with them.

And then....then what??

Who ,outside of their parents ,(if we even do enough)encourages them, walks beside them, reminds them they were a sinner saved by grace!!!? Who affirms to them that they are remarkable , a set apart holy vessel unto God, special in His eyes and ours because they chose Him!!??? Who looks close enough to notice when the dark temptations of this world try to allure that "good kid" ? Who is there to remind him of the reaping and the sowing and how very very blessed he is that he will never have to live to regret???

Does He see or hear enough of that?

He sees the "new convert" that everyone flocks around. You know the one, the drunk who lived under the bridge who now sits in the church pew. He hears the exclaiming about the mighty power of God that worked in that man's life.

He listens to the testimony of guest speaker who spent in his life in riotous living and now found the answer to his soul's cry. And he hears the Amen's and hallelujah's roll when that man says he stands here by the grace of God .

He watches when the fatted calf is killed for the rebellious son who returns after years of running from God.

He attends all the returned missionary film shows about the amazing work of God among the sin darkened heathens.

He sees. He listens. He watches.

And somewhere along the line , he begins to feel that his conversion didn't really amount to much. He begins to question whether he really knows the grace of God. He wonders if maybe a person does need to continues in sin in order for grace to "abound".

He feels insignificant. He's just the "good kid".

And when the tempter whispers that there are good things out there to see and experience, he listens...because he has heard it sound so exciting.

And when the discourager tells him "who cares" , he listens.... because he's not sure anymore if anyone does.

And when the dark one taunts 'hath God said" , he wavers, because....he thinks ,maybe ,just maybe, he's not saved.

And while the saints rejoice over the prodigal and while the missionary recounts the conversion of the demon possessed, the good kid slips outside the door.

He becomes the runaway, the sinner...

Then we all pray...we mention his name at every prayer meeting. We rock heaven's gate with our fervent prayers for his salvation and his return.

But what if he doesn't ...then what...what if the lies and whispers grow so strong ,he takes his own life, as a "good kid", my son's friend, did just yesterday.

What then?

It is too late for that "good kid" but then...maybe then....

....will we gather our children around and tell them how blessed they are...how valued they are.....how in the sight of God there is no respect of persons? Will we remind them that we are so very blessed by their godly, right choices and tell them how special a sanctified vessel is in the service of God? Will we tell them they are so wise to feel "glad that (they) didn't waste half of (their) life procuring a good testimony"?

Will we.....then...NOW....??

It hurts too much to care....

"Hast thou entered into the treasures of the snow? ...Out of whose womb came the ice? and the hoary frost of heaven, who hath gendered it?....By the breath of God frost is given ..." selected from Job

Are there days when it just takes too much energy to care? Are there things that just hurt too much to think about because they make you "care"? Is the burden of caring just too much so you try to shrug it off?

Maybe those questions seem strange to you. Maybe you never felt any of those.

Today I feel like all of those.

Yes, I know that sounds awful. That sounds "UN"- caring.

But the truth is I ...have a lot of times like this.

I started today with being drawn into the little arbor of frosted trees that I shared with you in my photo. There's something about the mysterious depths of a frosty forest that always pulls me in. I want to know the "treasures of the snow". I want to know deeper the breath of the God who made the frost.

But...in knowing more ...in getting close enough to feel the breath of God, along with all the sweetness of joy you also will find something else.......your heart will be broken by what breaks His.

It continued for me with a simple question from a friend's status on facebook, "What stirs you?" I thought about that. It wasn't hard for me to think of three things that stir me: the hopelessness of an addict, broken marriages, wimpy Christians. I felt a twinge as I wrote the last and I felt the familiar tightening of caring about something and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

IF I care enough it stirs me and If I do nothing doesn't that make me a wimpy Christian?

It grew more intense as I read a link from another commenter under that post, a link about the plight of millions of children in deplorable orpahanages around the world.

It grew even more reading another's link on the sin of abortion in our country.

At this moment in time I have little resources to DO anything about most of these things that break my heart.

BUT...am I ignoring it all because it really takes energy, time and commitment to care and yes, it hurts to care?

Am I doing what I could be doing? Am I sacrficing wherever and whenever I can to do whatever I can, no matter how small? Am I spending time passing on the burden of the heart of God to my children to give them a heart to care and prepare them for the time when they can do something about it?

Recently a son told me that he feels like with all the children needing a home he should adopt instead of just having his own. Forget all the questions of theolology or right or wrong of that feeling, was my hesitation because I selfishly just want to see and know MY son's children? Shouldn't I just thank God for that expression of the heart of God in my son? So do I really care if I know deep inside that sometimes I try not to because it hurts too much?

Today I want to know more intimately the breath of the God who made the frost. i want my heart to break with what breaks His and I want to try to show that caring.

This Moment of Time

Sleep refuses to come. The thousand thoughts of the last several days toss restlessly through my mind...

No one ever expects to deal with death like this. My husband's dad is dying 2500 miles away. My mom is dying 400 miles away. We've known it was coming but who knew it would come at the same time. My husband returned home late one night from visiting his Dad and we left the next morning to say good-by to my mom.

You think you prepare for death but you can't; not really.

I have wanted for days to write out my thoughts but it is always too jumbled. It feels far too jumbled now but I must . That's just the way I am.

I know the death of a parent is not the same sharp wrenching pain of the loss of a spouse or a child . It is different but it is still somehow a very strange surreal un-moored feeling. The one who gave me birth lies somewhere suspended between time and eternity.

It seems that sudden death would be ever so much easier than this...this waiting...waiting....watching..... hovering...waiting...

It seems we live in a funny little vaccuum of space where nothing is as it seemed before and where everything revolves around a phone call.

Modern medicine has added in it's own complications to whole big picture. More questions, more decisions, ethical wranglings, comfort vs prolonging the inevitable , sustaining life vs delaying death, too many decisions, too many voices, too many opinions...too much to think about .....

Life seems so fragile. It seems so easy to think ,"What is the point?" But then I remember that because of choices my father-in-law made his children will teach their children about God. I know that because of choices my mom made, her approx 100 descendants now, will teach the next generation about God . Only eternity will tell the impact their lives will have. Life is a big responsibility.

Little bits of songs , pictures, happenings of today , of yesterdays, turn round and round my head. "...I know that my Redeemer liveth..., ...Jesus hath risen and man shall die..., and I no more as now shall stand..." Scenes of home, my old upstairs bedroom, Mom's voice, the long lane, the creak of the stairs,long evenings canning and reading with mom and my sisters.

I hear my voice join my siblings in "How Beautiful Heaven must Be", Come Home It's Supper Time", Someday the Silver Cord Will Break, and "Safe In the Arms Of Jesus" . I cry inside as I hear Pop's unforgettable bass join in on "Fear not , O Child, I Will Take Care Of Thee".

How do you watch your Pop tell his wife goodbye every day, lots of times through the day , never knowing when it will really be the final goodbye?

Every turning leaf, every wispy cloud, every crisp Autumn breeze, somehow seems more beautiful than before. Every kiss from my husband, every word from my child , somehow seems to hang suspended in time for a fraction of a second longer than normal.

But all of it somehow seems surreal as you know you stand facing something so much bigger than you; some plan far bigger than time or space.

One thought comes incessantly, I do not know how one lives if he says there is no God.

If I did not believe there was Someone who understood this all, I think I would scream and rage at this huge cosmic plan. If there is not Someone who will one day wipe away the tears and tell the reason why, I would shake my fist at a universe that throws together atoms into human pawns and sits back to let us live , die and decay for no purpose whatsoever.

I know some say the very existence of these seemingly endless ,unanswered questions makes them say there is no god , or rage against him if there is.

But I know. I know in part and sometime I shall know fully. I know man was created for life and fellowship with his Creator and that was ruined for time when man chose evil over good. I know that eternity will tell the story . I know that then we'll know how often a loving Father had to step back and let this whole thing work out to the final victory of good over evil, life over death. I'll understand why He chooses not intervene in the natural course of earthly death.

I don't know how one watches a body fight to live and not realize we were created for life, not death.

I stand in hope that one day I shall see the final victory. "O death where is thy sting? O grave where is thy victory?"

I shall one day stand with the One of Eternity and all my questions will be answered

A Little Child Shall Lead Them

The familiar knock came on the bedroom door. Someone neeeded to talk. The teary  voice of our youngest answered our query.

When he entered and came to our bedside, we knew big things were on his mind. He has always thought deeply and asked so many out -of the-blue questions about life and philosophy.

"I just think I need to be saved'. There it was out.

My husband and I both had the same thoughts , I knew.

This child is ...just a child.

I know there are many differing ideas about when a child is ready and they all tumbled through my head. He was not the first to come at the this age ,nor was this the first time he had come.

The first time was several months ago. We talked and determined that he was worried by the sermon and just wanted assurance that he would go to heaven. We prayed with him, told him to keep listening to God and he went merrily on his way.

Should we do the same tonight?

We talked. He was very knowledgable about the whole process , who God is and who he is without God.

He told us he had been doing a lot of thinking and reading. He mentioned that overhearing a conversation by older siblings about their concern for his behavior had bothered him. He mentioned the "Ten Commandment" plaque on the wall.

But after talking awhile my husband still felt some hesitation. He agreed to prayer and thinking it over.

His prayer was simple and sweet. "God, I want to hear You and know it's You and I want to know how to go all the way with You."

My husband and I talked seriously after he left. After eight other children you would think this decision would be easier to truly know how best to lead them through but somehow as always with child-training they each one throw their particular little curve into it.

We rolled over to sleep  trusting ourselves and our child to the wisdom of the Holy Spirit's direction and voice.

.....A knock at the door...

"You know, I just really think I need to take care of it now."

There was no denying that certainty.

He added, "It was a weird thing when I was waiting in the hall and coming into the room, I kept hearing the word, 'someday', 'someday'......I think it was the devil...."

Ah, yes, even a child can know.

Again his prayer was simple , though longer than before. He started " Thank you....God, I pray to be a good soldier for you......I'm sorry.....I pray that I can go all the way with you and never give up......"

Yes, Lord!!!

The "Home-making" Father

Women are known as the homemakers and I think rightly so, but what about all the "home making" that the dad's do? I thought of that as I was thinking of the normal "mom post' and Father's day.  Home would not be home, Mom would not have a home to make a home ,truly a home, without Dad. I know , of course, there are instances when one spouse has to carry on alone but home in God's plan is Mom and Dad.
I was thinking of the two father's in my life.
 My Pop has always been ...well...just "Pop"! He was never a Dad , he was never a Father. He disliked both of those terms and for some reason neither really suits him. He was and is just "Pop"! For those that know him that explains him!
In fact growing up his own children were not the only ones that called him "Pop". Most of the other young people in the church did , also. I thought perhaps it was because we were a small church and everyone knew each other so well. But as we grew older and had friends visit from out of state and meet him for the first time, soon they all called him Pop too! When several years ago he moved from that church to a new area, everyone again, very quickly just called him ..."Pop"!
He is a one-of-a-kind person! If you ever meet him you'll never forget him.
He worked hard for his family. He worked in the woods most of my growing up years. It was hard , tiring work with hardly ever enough money to stretch far enough, but we made it!
I remember surprises in his lunch pail brought home to show us kids. I remember long winter nights of "Authors", "Aggravation", Probe"and building "Lincoln Log" houses. And stories,...always stories.
He believed in firm discipline and hard work. Many were the times as a child I thought he overdid both! But I'm thankful for the things he taught me.
Today it is just him and Mom left in their home and Pop truly is the homemaker. Mom is bedfast with ALS brought on by Lyme's disease. Pop lovingly cares for her every need! Some one of the family is alwasy there to help but Pop is really the one who does all Mom's care.I thank God for Pop!

I think of my own husband, the Father of our 9 children. Without him our home would not be a home the way it is.
 He is the steadying. He is the anchor.
 He is the one who works tirelessly to provide food and clothing and a roof over our heads. He is the one who fixes the leaky faucets, the screeching vaccuum sweeper, and the door that sticks. He is the one who gets up to check on the bumps in the night.
He is the fun-loving one ; always ready to show the kids something or play with them.
He's a friend to all the kids. He's the hugger and soother for the little ones and the counsellor for the older ones.
He is the one where "the buck stops" . He is the go to man for everyone.
He is the one who leads the family prayer. He is the one who answers their questions about God.
My man, my husband, my children's Dad, is the one behind this "home-maker"! He is the one who holds me up and gets me through the day.
He's the one who encourages me when things are tough and assures me that we'll get through it.
 I grocery shop. I feed him. I wash his clothes .(sometimes he even does that! ) I pick up his dirty socks. I keep the house clean. I listen when he needs to talk and I give input. I "mother" the kids.
 But.....
It's the man of the house. It's him. It's the father here who provides, the food , the house ,the vehicle, the clothes,even the wash machine!
It's the Father who provides what Mom needs, materially, physically , emotionally and spiritually and to be a homemaker.
It's the Father who is the REAL homemaker!!
Thank you, heavenly Father, for a godly man!

This post is linked at Homemakers by Choice
http://www.homemakerbychoice.net/2012/06/friday-homemaking-link-up_14.html