Wow!! This really hit home!!
I'm ashamed to admit it....but I think it's time to....
For far too long I have looked in the mirror and compared the woman there to the 18yr old girl I used to be.
Crazy , yes, stupid, duh, but I have . I have moaned and groaned about the fact that I was always determined to never gain weight! I would somehow stay slim in spite of 9 babies, 3 miscarriages, my gene pool and middle age!!!!!
Well, yeh you guessed it I didn't and I have hated myself for it! I have obssessed about the 30lbs I've gained since I was forty. I have dieted incessantly and tried to lose the 50 lbs overall that I have gained since before I had kids. I never, ever ,ever just enjoy a tiramisu. I have one maybe once a year and can't even enjoy the taste because I feel so guilty. I am constantly on a diet..constantly!!!
I never let my candid pic be taken if I know about it. And if someone sneaks one I delete if I can. I try to ignore it when the kids tell me if I died I they wouldn't even have a recent pic of me. I tell myself that's better . Then they would always remember me thin. I look at pics of others who if I am honest with myself they are in fact heavier than I am and I wonder how does she even pose for a pic and....deep inside I envy her.
I try to ignore it when dear hubby tells me he'd rather have me happy , than thin. I try to swallow the words when I want to remind him that I'm too heavy , when he tells me I'm beautiful. Just this morning, I told him I didn't want to go somewhere because in spite of being in a weight challenge with some friends the last 3 wks I have GAiNED a pound and half and so I don't feel like going to a neighboring church this Sun. cause I don't want people to think he has a fat wife! Yeh ....Pitiful!!!
And he just pulled me close and said, "I just want them to know that I have a happy wife." Wow, It had never really struck me like that before. Yeh, that is what is important to him. He wants people to know that he has made his wife happy. How am I showing that if I hide out because nothing in the closet fits the way I want it too. How can people see that if I pull away from people and the outgoing personality I used to have???
Then I read this blog!! Yep! I'm very, very thoroughly convicted. It won't be easy but I am determined to accept my self, ALL of me.
So there you have it ...the whole sordid truth...
Read this blog, She says it all wonderfully!!