Mother's Day....mixed emotions....that I really don't know the words for, or even know for sure if I want to put into words. .....cause , you know, putting something into words makes it more real somehow...and I realize that I have been trying to not make it real.
It is a funny thing to be a grownup and to know that life has cycles and change and inevitables and that being "grownup" you know that is ...just life....deal with it.
No amount of wallowing in the confusion and funny feelings and allowing the tears and memories etc, etc, will change any of it.
So my personality is -deal with it.
But sometimes I feel like there are realities that I tiptoe softly over like walking on eggshells.
Like aging, death, empty nesting, change,
This is the first Mother's Day of my life without a Mother. This is also the first Mother's day ,of my life as a Mother, without almost half of my children at home for the day to celebrate.
It feels ...kinda.....strange......I really have no words ...and I realize that searching for the words only brings me far too close to that place where I can no longer tiptoe over the feelings .
And somehow I feel like if I get to that place it would take me too long to make my way back.
I kinda feel like I'm hanging suspended over a chasm of time on a thin cable that is flinging me forward to the change on the other side and there is nothing I can do about it
As a grownup with my own full life it doesn't feel like it should feel so much like a house without a foundation to face a Mother's day without my Mom. But....it does......
I'm not an overly sentimental person. I don't get into mushy displays of family affection. I never really gave the whole "Mother " factor that much thought . It was just life. It was a given. Mothers day rolled around and as a kid I always picked out or made some little gift for Mom. As an adult moved away from home, I always called or visited. That was really all it was. I loved Mom. I appreciated her. But...she was just ...there....I really never thought about it, that in the very basic-ness of life she was a foundation.
I want to hold on to my kids. I want to be surrounded by them ....to freeze this time.....somehow it seems like it would fill the surreal, vague, empty space that was ...Mom.
But like I said putting it into words brings tears to my eyes and......today..this moment....this celebration...I choose to focus on what IS, not what Was...That is LIFE...and that really is the only way...the best way...to get through it, until ....
.....one day we part no more...